I was reflecting on this very question the other day. I am an intuitive relationship coach and this question comes up quite often during sessions.
We can find ourselves unhappy in our relationships because it seems that life isn’t just going our way with the person that we’re with. We get so focused on the problem that eventually we believe that the person we are with is the problem. And, if they don’t fix their problem then we cannot solve the problem we share. It is true that each person brings in their own responsibility to grow in a relationship. It is confusing between partners to understand whose responsibility is to do what. In other words, the division of labor in a relationship is often discussed during sessions with me.
But the question here today is really about why do we attract the partners and lovers in our lives. As I was reflecting quietly to myself at a stoplight the answer came very clearly to me.
Just as we all are all individual streams of consciousness we attract other streams of consciousness to gain necessary insight in order to grow and expand our own stream of consciousness. Simply , we only know so much. But by connecting with others and therefore the Universal Consciousness , we are able to expand our own knowledge and experience of the Ultimate Reality.
Another reason why we attract ourselves to specific types of people in our lives at different times is that we seek other partners to join us in a group or couple growth moment of opportunity. Therefore, we are able to experience something in a shared format to validate our own experience and to grow it even more within our own stream of consciousness and that which we share with others.
Let’s take an example. For example, someone wishes to know and understand the concept of compassion. Another person might have also agreed to learn this concept as well. So, these two individuals meet together in life and go through various simulations (situations) together in order to learn and understand the ultimate concept of compassion. The success of the couple and the individual is a subjective to each person. One person might have learned the lesson very quickly while one other person might be slower or didn’t learn that lesson at all in that lifetime. The one person who did learn the lesson might become afraid that their partner will not learn that lesson and therefore will not advance in the partnership together. This happens quite often in couples who come and see me. One person will be very worried consciously or subconsciously that their partner will not learn or overcome the issue as quickly as they did. They want the person to learn and will often try to force their learning , by giving ultimatums , leaving the relationship, or through other means such as violence or abuse.
What I have learned throughout coaching many couples in my practice is 3 core lessons :
1. Believe in your partner’s capacity to learn and to grow.
2. Take responsibility for only your lesson and be committed to your own ideals.
3. Partnerships grow when both individuals are committed to shared ideals and visions.
When we believe in our partners capacity to learn and grow, it affirms that we are aware of their individual stream of consciousness that carries within it the knowledge and understanding to expand itself. We are all growing at a constant rate and therefore we must remember and honor that. And, accept thar our partners have the freedom to explore their growth in their own way. And when we do mutual respect is born.
We must only take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. We must not take on the burden of responsibility for other people’s growth. Giving space to others is also the gift of space to our self. When we allow others to take responsibility for themselves we are no longer enabling them and taking away their power to choose and to create their own lives.
Partnerships are successful when all individuals involved share a common set of ideals by which they maintain disciplined commitment through consistent actions. As the Bible says, we shall know a tree by its fruit. Your choices, thoughts and actions review your own consistently held values and ideals.
With all of this said it is important to realize that our own individual stream of Consciousness is constantly seeking to expand its self and therefore seeks companionship in order to expand itself as well as understand itself. The relationships and individuals that we share our lives with serve us to expand our own understanding of ourselves and the world in which we live. The circumstances that occur in our relationships are merely simulations or schools of thought which stimulate our own growth. Each student is party to their own lessons and work. When we forget these important ideas we get caught up others growth by taking responsibility for those things which we are not responsible and distract ourselves within the drama of life.
This is what I learned by meditating on the very important question, ” Why do I attract the relationships and people that I do?”